I want a robot!

I recently read that a “Bossa Nova” shelf-scanning robot and the “Fast Unloader” robot reside at a Walmart Supercenter store in North Richland Hills. The machines communicate with each other and, I assume, they live rent free.

While that was impressive, I then read that FedEx came up with an original idea for a robot employee. It’s not just any run-of-the-mill robot. This one will be useful. It will be able to deliver hot pizza, groceries and prescriptions to a customer’s house.

Starting in July, these robots will be able to move along the sidewalk with people or on the street beside cars. FedEx plans to test these ingenious robots in Memphis to this summer to see how well they can do.

These ideas are so mind-boggling that the more I thought about it, the more I decided I want a robot. Everyone should think about this: How incredible would it be if we all had a robot to work around the house?

illustration is by Jerry Weiss

illustration is by Jerry Weiss

I think it would be nice to have my own robot to wait on me hand and foot. Of course, I realize that I have a husband, but any robot in our house would have to do double duty and wait on him, too. I’d like to consider what form the robot would take. Would it be shaped like a box on wheels? Or would it look like a phony human or a doll with a face? Also, what would we call it? Everything has to have a name.

The vision for my personal robot would be female, rather short and thin, so it wouldn’t take up too much room when it was not on call. It would have to fit in a corner and wait for instructions. I think I would call it “Roby.” I would hope it would be well made and wouldn’t forget it’s not human in case it goes berserk one day and attacks me. I wouldn’t want to have to call the police. I don’t know what the police would do with a robot that attacks someone.

The one nice thing about having a robot is that you wouldn’t have to feed it like children. That would save the average household tons of money. It’s doubtful it would ever have to be cleaned, either.

I can think of a million things Roby could do for me. Let’s say I’m sitting on my sofa and want something from my office. All I’d have to do is order Roby to “Go into my office and get such and such.” My robot would be smart enough to know what I needed, as everything in the house would be programmed into its on-board computer. If I drop something on the floor, I could just call for Roby to pick it up.

One really meaningful thing a robot could do for its owner is to help with a “bug attack.” This situation really happened to me recently. A large, black bug with long legs was spinning around on the kitchen floor. Somehow it flipped over on its back. Its legs were in the air and it was trying to get upright again. If there’s anything women hate, it’s picking up an ugly bug, whether it’s alive or dead. If any bug comes in our house, it’s DOA. A robot would help with that.

Perhaps the best thing a robot could do for each of us is to be a “pseudo psychologist.” People gripe every single day about things that go wrong at work, school, with family members or whatever. These days, it also includes too complaining about social media and political rhetoric. With a robot, one would always have someone to listen when annoyances like these happen. Yes, I can see a robot in my future. You probably could, too, could too, could too…